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SUICIDE NOTES

MAY THEY REST IN PEACE

Author: WITHHELD
Submitted by: David Angelo on 1/25/2007

I don't know why I'm even bothering with a note.
It seems so trite and stupid, but I guess that's what my life has been to this point, anyway.
Were you ever so full of rage, you just wanted to hurt someone, and the only person you cold bring yourself to hurt was yourself?

That's how I feel.

I want to apologize to whoever finds my body - I considered doing this in a more sanitary way, but decided against it.

There is no Justice, only regrets.

Author: WITHHELD
Submitted by: Sam Sklaver on 1/25/2007

There is no graceful way to die young, of a terminal disease at least, and I never expected to pirouette to my grave. Think strong and silent type. Like Christopher Reeves.

Why I have chosen this moment then to find fault with my fortune is due then to an awkward situation that transpired yesterday, when I was resting but you and Sue thought I was sleeping, and over my reposed body you read your eulogy for me, and you and Sue both cried, and I burp/vomited a little bit into my throat. Because, Jake, I've seen Four Weddings and a Funeral, and I know that's where you got the W.H. Auden poem from.

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come."

I think it's a lame eulogy Jake. Seeing as we're not a bunch of 14 year-old British girls in the mid-nineties, I think you should write me a new one.

But what's a dying man to do in this situation? What is my redress? Attempting to control how others will remember you is so self-serving; shouldn't I, though, be able to give a little creative feedback on my own eulogy, given the blessing of a few more days in this world? It wasn't my fault that you thought I was asleep. Sometimes when one is close to death, especially around Sue 'I know everything because I've been to Peru and Bolivia', it's easier to pretend to be asleep than converse with visitors.

Side note: I know she's you're girlfriend bro, but if my death brings you two closer, then it'll be a double tragedy because she smells like mustard Jake, and I think she has herpes.

"The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good."

In our temple. While wearing a suit. After the Rabbi has said the Kaddish and maybe a Mrs. Janis said something about how our families were so close. These words used to remember me, your dead at nineteen brother, by. Would it be out of place to suggest that perhaps this reading is a shade heavy-handed? I don't want to be the ghost of eulogies past here, but conceivably this reading is better suited for the glorification of, say, a closeted, older, regal and Welsh gay lover? I only mention this because that's the character this poems was read in memory of, in that film we both watched together a few years ago, called Four Weddings and a Funeral, which introduced the world to Hugh Grant. You said at the time that you thought the poem was beautiful and 'such a kick-ass thing to read at a funeral.'

Jake, remember how right after that I said the poem was gay? We argued for a moment about it and then kept watching the movie; and then when the movie was over, we argued a little more, because I thought the whole film was 'douchey', and you thought Andie MacDowell and Sigourney Weaver were the same person? Right after that, I'm sure I said again that I thought the poem was gay.

"He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."

I can readily recall so many funny moments we shared together, 'typical' Andrew sort of stories. What about when I had you go to the orthodontist instead of me and you ended up with braces? Or when we stole that miniature pony for your birthday party? I would have thought that when electing a mood for my funeral, these things would pop into your head. These small little moments we shared, the jokes we made to one another. Maybe you should tell people that I always made you laugh? I was very funny Jake. I'm just brainstorming here, but feel free to use any of this.

"Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves."

Really Jake?

I'm very tall. When I was alive, I was usually one of the tallest men in the room. You could start with 'Andrew was very, very tall'. This is a funny opening line, a way to pry a few smiles out of the crowd. People would smile at remembering my height.

You could talk about last year when we both decided to run the 20K and ten miles in you twisted your ankle but I walked the last two and a half miles helping you so we could finish together. Because I had cancer then, so it's pretty inspirational. What else? Oh, Gramps would always get us confused, which was funny. We worked at Camp Lamplight for year together. How about when Shoshanna Riggels stood you up for junior prom, and I convinced you it was cooler to go stag?

Don't feel like you have to use any of this, Jake, I'm just throwing some stuff at the eulogy wall and seeing what sticks.

If you wanted to indulge a dying man's vanity, you could bring up my looks. Or maybe leave that for mom. What about senior year lacrosse when we almost went all the way to state? A sports metaphor? Whenever I set my mind on something I always followed it through till the end. Maybe merge that with the 20K story?

Start listening to The Smiths.

I hate the though of you having to deal with my passing, Jake. Leaving you to take care of mom on your own, shuffling off this mortal coil years before God had planned. Making you feel self conscious about my eulogy is mercenary and cruel. Remember me the best way you know how, the way that is right for you.

But if you read a gay ass line like:

"Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead."

Then I will haunt you and mom and Sue and everyone you have ever or will ever love for the rest of your life from beyond the grave.